13 July 2011
Day 50
12 July 2011
Day 49
The miracle that is the human body.
"Through the Wormhole," a show hosted by Morgan Freeman on the Science Channel, discusses different ways of looking at things, as shown or being researched by science. One of the episodes was about time travel, another was about alternate dimensions, and the more recent one was about other senses that the human person may posses (such as how, if you close your eyes, and you're sober, you can touch your finger to your nose - a spatial sense in relation to yourself).
They did an experiment with people who, as the result of a stroke or something similar, lost sight in one eye. They had the subject sit with their face in front of a partition, so that each eye could not see what was on the other side. To the seeing eye, they showed pictures of people with the faces blocked. To the blind eye, they showed pictures of faces with exaggerated expressions. They attached these probes to the subject's face to track any slight muscular movement. The results showed that the person imitated the expressions being shown to the blind eye every single time.
After doing an MRI to track the activity in the brain while this was happening, they found that facial recognition is actually registered and understood by eight different parts of the brain as opposed to the visual cortex that sight utilizes.
I am grateful for the fact that the body works. I am grateful for the brain and its complexities and how it controls everything that I do. I am grateful for the fact that we barely understand the powerhouse for who we are and what comprises us. I am grateful for the mere science of life - a sperm and an egg come together to create what will be a person. A person who can grow up to be the best or the worst. A person who can grow up to be the second coming of Christ or the second coming of Hitler. I am grateful for the body's way of simply being, existing, living. It repairs itself, maintains itself, adapts itself - all of the time, whether I realize it or not. I am grateful for the humility that comes with all of these realizations. I am grateful for the understanding that I am not in control, nor have I ever been. I am grateful for my own brain which populates all of these thoughts, even if I wish it would calm down sometimes.
I am grateful for life.
11 July 2011
Day 48
I've decided to change my posting style. I'm going to pick one big thing every day for which I'm grateful, and then look at exactly why I'm grateful for it.
I am grateful for my birth mother. For most of my life, I spent my time wondering who she was, wondering why she gave me up, wondering why she didn't want me to know her or her to know me, wondering, wondering, wondering. I loved her without knowing who she really was and is. My parents always talked about her with respect and gratitude - if it weren't for her and her decisions, they never would have gotten me. So I never grew up resentful or angry with her. I was resentful at the situation and not knowing about her more than anything - but never her or her choices.
Tonight, I went through my adoption papers. My mom keeps them all in this weathered, green folder in her room. The edges are frayed and it doesn't close quite right because there are too many papers inside. My mom literally kept everything related to my adoption. And she has always shown me them and gone through them with me since I was little. The last time I looked at them, I was eighteen and had made the decision to try and find my birth mother (so far, no success). Reading through them all this time, though, I felt like I had never seen the papers before in my life. All of it felt new and foreign. It was the most surreal experience I've had.
As I told all of this to my mom and to Stephen, they both said the same thing: maybe I was just ready to know all of the information this time. And, as Stephen pointed out, maybe the last time I read it, I only looked at what I wanted to see or wanted to know. This time, I wanted to know it all. My birth mother was 23 (making me older than she was when she had me), a high school graduate, unmarried, and the oldest of four children. She was introverted and quiet. She was 5'2" (why I'm 5'1") and 105 lbs. She kept me for seventeen days before giving me up for adoption. I was born at 16:30 on June 10 after they induced her, eight weeks premature, in a small clinic. I weighed 2.8 lbs. The worker who took me at the agency in Korea named me after my birth mother's surname. Chae means "Noteworthy" and Won means "The Best." My umma ("mom" in Korean, which is what I used to call my foster mother) took care of me for seven months and had two children of her own. She nursed me back to health so that I could be adopted by my family.
And now I'm here. Because of so many decisions, so many chances of fate. I am grateful for my birth mother for not terminating her pregnancy, for trying to keep me, for giving me up to have a better life. I am thankful for my Umma for taking care of such a weak, sickly baby (I also had pneumonia) and taking care of me like she would her own child. I am thankful for my parents wanting to adopt and adopting me. And I am thankful for the fact that I am no longer angry about my adoption. I am no longer empty or obsessed with what I do not know; I am now focused on what I have and am thankful for every single chance that brought me to where I am today.
10 July 2011
Day 47
- life;
- sunshine;
- beaches;
- living near the beach;
- my mom;
- my grandma;
- food;
- naps;
- alone time;
- my BB!;
- memories;
- Boyfriend.
09 July 2011
Day 46
- life;
- sleep;
- recovery;
- food;
- Boyfriend.
08 July 2011
Day 45
- life;
- feeling better;
- warm weather;
- food;
- KITTENS!!;
- becoming "kitten parents" with Boyfriend!
07 July 2011
Day 44
- life;
06 July 2011
Day 43
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- love;
- running;
- sweating;
- showers;
- kisses;
- Boyfriend.
05 July 2011
Day 42
- life;
- BABY NEPHEWS!;
- successful deliveries;
- stir-fry!;
- naps;
- snuggles and hugs;
- kisses;
- sleep.
04 July 2011
Day 41
- life;
- holidays;
- barbecues;
- food;
- independence (in all ways, aspects);
- love.
03 July 2011
Day 40
- life;
- brunch;
- family;
- friends!;
- Chelsea Market;
- Italian food;
- bangers and mash;
- catching up;
- air conditioning!
02 July 2011
Day 39
- life;
- Saturday;
- races;
- running;
- water;
- friends!;
- freshly-picked berries;
- sunshine;
- good food;
- exploring;
- love.
01 July 2011
Day 38
- life;
- a new month!
- Fridays!;
- pay days;
- three-day weekends ahead!
30 June 2011
Day 37
- life;
- another month gone by;
- love;
-family;
- one day 'til Friday!
29 June 2011
Day 36
- life;
- sunshine;
-air;
- love.
28 June 2011
Day 35
- life;
- energy, even in small amounts;
- Boyfriend;
- every chance, moment, breath;
- exercise;
- sweating;
- showers;
- long hair;
- sleep.
27 June 2011
Day 34
today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- caffeine;
- a relatively easy work day;
- Boyfriend to hold me after a bad dream;
- seeing his face first thing upon waking;
- my mama;
- sleep!
26 June 2011
25 June 2011
Day 32
- life;
24 June 2011
Day 31
- life;
23 June 2011
Day 30
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- love;
- family;
- friends;
- food, even when I'm stuffed;
- one day til Friday;
- snuggles;
- Boyfriend;
- happiness.
22 June 2011
Day 29
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- friends;
- delicious food;
- a relationship that just works;
- love;
- family;
- having Richie Mathieu as a friend!;
- Boyfriend;
- naps.
21 June 2011
Day 28
- life;
- exercise;
- fitness;
- endurance;
- family;
- camaraderie;
- physical movement;
- the sweat after running;
- sex;
- physical pleasure;
- connection;
- love.
20 June 2011
Day 27
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- being able to afford things;
- new dresses;
- warm, breezy weather;
- food to nourish and satiate;
- the taste of food;
- love.
19 June 2011
Day 26
- life;
- sunshine;
- warmth;
- family;
- my Dad;
- safe travels;
- Italian wine!;
- food;
- dresses in sunny weather;
- living near a beach;
- afternoons with Mom;
- sun-warmed naps.
18 June 2011
Day 25
- life;
17 June 2011
Day 24
- life;
16 June 2011
Day 23
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- running;
- the clarity of mind during and after a run;
- the physical ability to run;
- better endurance;
- sleep.
15 June 2011
Day 22
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- Hump Day!;
- easy work days;
- love.
14 June 2011
Day 21
- life;
- exercise;
- being fit!;
- the physical ability to move;
- running at faster speeds;
- sweating the day out;
- love.
13 June 2011
Day 20
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- road trips!;
- state parks;
- things that leave me breathless;
- feeling small within nature;
- waterfalls;
- art stores;
- sun prints!;
- friends;
- Boyfriend;
- little villages;
- friendly people;
- more endurance than what I've had before;
- falling asleep in cars;
- how my brain makes my muscles move the way they're supposed to;
- sleep.
12 June 2011
Day 19
- life;
11 June 2011
Day 18
- life;
10 June 2011
Day 17
- life;
09 June 2011
Day 16
- life;
08 June 2011
Day 15
- life;
07 June 2011
Day 14
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- family;
- kindness;
- friends;
- my birth mother;
- the fact that she gave me up;
- another year I've survived;
- Boyfriend;
- love.
06 June 2011
Day 13
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- love;
- health;
- dinner with my brother;
- nuzzling;
- affection;
- Boyfriend;
- listening to him sleep;
- happiness.
05 June 2011
Day 12
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- time with friends;
- time with Mama and Sean Green;
- talking about KG without getting sad;
- all of the ways that she still says hello;
- looking to the future;
- a cold beer on a summer afternoon;
- love;
- Boyfriend;
- three-day work weeks about to come!
04 June 2011
Day 11
Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- running races;
- the heat of sunshine;
- rekindling my love for my backyard;
- unexpected rose bushes;
- their aromatic perfume on a breeze;
- showers;
- adventures;
- new running shoes;
- bookstores;
- freedom on weekends;
- Boyfriend;
- playing with puppies and kittens;
- puppy breath!;
- food;
- the luxury of technology;
- sleep.
03 June 2011
Day 10
- life;
02 June 2011
Day 9
- life;
- sunshine;
- homeostasis;
- sweating when I work my muscles harder;
- the ability to run;
- gym memberships;
- the post-workout ache;
- aching abs and butt the day after;
- Boyfriend feeling a little better;
- a car to get around;
- regenerative sleep;
- waking up with him.
01 June 2011
Day 8
- life;
- Hump Day!;
- four-day work weeks;
- reuniting with old friends;
- Guinness on tap;
- garlic bread;
- food to fill an empty stomach;
- a healthy, fulfilling relationship;
- love;
- sleep when it's needed.
31 May 2011
Day 7
- life;
30 May 2011
Day 6
- life;
29 May 2011
Day 5
- life;
28 May 2011
Day 4
- life;
27 May 2011
Day 3
- life;
Day 2
- life;
- luxury things like air conditioning to make an otherwise stifling office bearable;
- the way I feel after running;
- gym memberships;
- love;
- the physical and mental ability to run, to exercise, to move;
- getting stronger and building endurance;
- allowing vulnerability for beautiful things;
- food to nourish;
- clean, drinkable water to fill up my body and rejuvenate me;
- clean water with which to wash away the grime;
- Boyfriend;
- falling asleep and waking up next to him.
25 May 2011
Day 1
- life;
- warmer weather;
- dresses and skirts and how they make me feel;
- hair long enough to braid;
- sunshine;
- sitting in parks for lunch;
- sunlight through leaves and branches;
- love;
- uncertain futures.
ETA:
- eating disgustingly bad-for-you food with awesomely good-for-you friends.