13 July 2011

Day 50

Today, I am grateful for ...

New friends and old acquaintances-turned-to-friends.

By nature, I'm a fairly extroverted person. Perhaps I do not seem as such in large groups, but in more personal, intimate situations, I find that talking to other people is easy. I like listening to other people's stories, even silly or seemingly trivial ones. I like asking questions and finding out information. I think that learning is one of those things I should always be doing for the rest of my life. It means that I will never become complacent with how things are and will never be resigned to merely accept things.

As with most people, though, I got caught up in the "hierarchical" rules of high school. I tended to be a bit of a floater - I definitely had my core group of friends, but I socialized (at least in school) with lots of people from other groups. That's not to say I didn't dislike a lot (read: most) of my classmates, but I liked experiencing different types of people. That being said, there were a lot of people with which I was familiar, but never really became friendly. It wasn't that we had anything against one another; we just stuck to our respective groups of people and that was okay.

Today, I went out to dinner with Amie and Patty from work. Amie and I have been friends since I started working at the company, after we both discovered that we were female nerd gamers. There was one day that I was having a really, really hard time, and had a bit of a panic attack (which I have every so often when I feel isolated) and asked if we could hang out after work, and she obliged, no questions asked. She hugged me and said that it was okay, that it would be okay, and that we could hang out and do whatever. She brought me to her home, let me play with puppy, and took me to get some iHop. I went from feeling desperately alone to feeling like I had really, truly found a friend. Patty and I went to high school together, and it was by a chance of fate (and a temp agency) that she started working for the company three months back. I didn't know much about her except the circle of friends with which she associated back in high school, but we've already gotten closer since she started working with us. It's now the three of us that go on lunch breaks and hang out after work.

I am grateful for my willingness - and for Amie and Patty's willingness - to make new friends, even at the risk of being hurt and/or left. I am grateful for the expansion of me and Amie's already-established friendship and the transition from acquaintance to friendship between me and Patty. I am grateful that we are all relatively normal people who genuinely care for one another. I am grateful that I am comfortable enough around them both to share things that I would probably otherwise not share. I am grateful for disgustingly greasy food that tastes almost sinful. I am grateful for old friends who have never let me down, even though we may not talk or see each other as often as we used to. I am grateful for the kindness and generosity of others. I am grateful for how friendship seems to make this whole thing called Life just a little bit easier.

12 July 2011

Day 49

Today, I am grateful for ...

The miracle that is the human body.

"Through the Wormhole," a show hosted by Morgan Freeman on the Science Channel, discusses different ways of looking at things, as shown or being researched by science. One of the episodes was about time travel, another was about alternate dimensions, and the more recent one was about other senses that the human person may posses (such as how, if you close your eyes, and you're sober, you can touch your finger to your nose - a spatial sense in relation to yourself).

They did an experiment with people who, as the result of a stroke or something similar, lost sight in one eye. They had the subject sit with their face in front of a partition, so that each eye could not see what was on the other side. To the seeing eye, they showed pictures of people with the faces blocked. To the blind eye, they showed pictures of faces with exaggerated expressions. They attached these probes to the subject's face to track any slight muscular movement. The results showed that the person imitated the expressions being shown to the blind eye every single time.

After doing an MRI to track the activity in the brain while this was happening, they found that facial recognition is actually registered and understood by eight different parts of the brain as opposed to the visual cortex that sight utilizes.

I am grateful for the fact that the body works. I am grateful for the brain and its complexities and how it controls everything that I do. I am grateful for the fact that we barely understand the powerhouse for who we are and what comprises us. I am grateful for the mere science of life - a sperm and an egg come together to create what will be a person. A person who can grow up to be the best or the worst. A person who can grow up to be the second coming of Christ or the second coming of Hitler. I am grateful for the body's way of simply being, existing, living. It repairs itself, maintains itself, adapts itself - all of the time, whether I realize it or not. I am grateful for the humility that comes with all of these realizations. I am grateful for the understanding that I am not in control, nor have I ever been. I am grateful for my own brain which populates all of these thoughts, even if I wish it would calm down sometimes.

I am grateful for life.

11 July 2011

Day 48

Today, I am grateful for ...

I've decided to change my posting style. I'm going to pick one big thing every day for which I'm grateful, and then look at exactly why I'm grateful for it.

I am grateful for my birth mother. For most of my life, I spent my time wondering who she was, wondering why she gave me up, wondering why she didn't want me to know her or her to know me, wondering, wondering, wondering. I loved her without knowing who she really was and is. My parents always talked about her with respect and gratitude - if it weren't for her and her decisions, they never would have gotten me. So I never grew up resentful or angry with her. I was resentful at the situation and not knowing about her more than anything - but never her or her choices.

Tonight, I went through my adoption papers. My mom keeps them all in this weathered, green folder in her room. The edges are frayed and it doesn't close quite right because there are too many papers inside. My mom literally kept everything related to my adoption. And she has always shown me them and gone through them with me since I was little. The last time I looked at them, I was eighteen and had made the decision to try and find my birth mother (so far, no success). Reading through them all this time, though, I felt like I had never seen the papers before in my life. All of it felt new and foreign. It was the most surreal experience I've had.

As I told all of this to my mom and to Stephen, they both said the same thing: maybe I was just ready to know all of the information this time. And, as Stephen pointed out, maybe the last time I read it, I only looked at what I wanted to see or wanted to know. This time, I wanted to know it all. My birth mother was 23 (making me older than she was when she had me), a high school graduate, unmarried, and the oldest of four children. She was introverted and quiet. She was 5'2" (why I'm 5'1") and 105 lbs. She kept me for seventeen days before giving me up for adoption. I was born at 16:30 on June 10 after they induced her, eight weeks premature, in a small clinic. I weighed 2.8 lbs. The worker who took me at the agency in Korea named me after my birth mother's surname. Chae means "Noteworthy" and Won means "The Best." My umma ("mom" in Korean, which is what I used to call my foster mother) took care of me for seven months and had two children of her own. She nursed me back to health so that I could be adopted by my family.

And now I'm here. Because of so many decisions, so many chances of fate. I am grateful for my birth mother for not terminating her pregnancy, for trying to keep me, for giving me up to have a better life. I am thankful for my Umma for taking care of such a weak, sickly baby (I also had pneumonia) and taking care of me like she would her own child. I am thankful for my parents wanting to adopt and adopting me. And I am thankful for the fact that I am no longer angry about my adoption. I am no longer empty or obsessed with what I do not know; I am now focused on what I have and am thankful for every single chance that brought me to where I am today.

10 July 2011

Day 47

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- sunshine;
- beaches;
- living near the beach;
- my mom;
- my grandma;
- food;
- naps;
- alone time;
- my BB!;
- memories;
- Boyfriend.

09 July 2011

Day 46

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- sleep;
- recovery;
- food;
- Boyfriend.

08 July 2011

Day 45

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- feeling better;
- warm weather;
- food;
- KITTENS!!;
- becoming "kitten parents" with Boyfriend!

07 July 2011

Day 44

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- successful surgeries;
- competent doctors;
- well-running hospitals;
- my mom;
- my grandma;
- everyone who asked how i was doing;
- Boyfriend;
- food!!

06 July 2011

Day 43

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- love;
- running;
- sweating;
- showers;
- kisses;
- Boyfriend.

05 July 2011

Day 42

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- BABY NEPHEWS!;
- successful deliveries;
- stir-fry!;
- naps;
- snuggles and hugs;
- kisses;
- sleep.

04 July 2011

Day 41

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- holidays;
- barbecues;
- food;
- independence (in all ways, aspects);
- love.

03 July 2011

Day 40

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- brunch;
- family;
- friends!;
- Chelsea Market;
- Italian food;
- bangers and mash;
- catching up;
- air conditioning!

02 July 2011

Day 39

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- Saturday;
- races;
- running;
- water;
- friends!;
- freshly-picked berries;
- sunshine;
- good food;
- exploring;
- love.

01 July 2011

Day 38

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- a new month!
- Fridays!;
- pay days;
- three-day weekends ahead!

30 June 2011

Day 37

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- another month gone by;
- love;
-family;
- one day 'til Friday!

29 June 2011

Day 36

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- sunshine;
-air;
- love.

28 June 2011

Day 35

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- energy, even in small amounts;
- Boyfriend;
- every chance, moment, breath;
- exercise;
- sweating;
- showers;
- long hair;
- sleep.

27 June 2011

Day 34

today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- caffeine;
- a relatively easy work day;
- Boyfriend to hold me after a bad dream;
- seeing his face first thing upon waking;
- my mama;
- sleep!

26 June 2011

Day 33

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- sleeping in even later than yesterday;
- kittens;
- sunshine;
- food;
- full bellies;
- ice cream;
- naps;
- random, funny text messages.

25 June 2011

Day 32

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- sleeping in later than normal;
- drives in warm weather with the windows down;
- barbecues;
- food;
- warming sun;
- love.

24 June 2011

Day 31

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- friends, old and new;
- city trips;
- not being embarrassed;
- British food (bangers, mash, and beans <3);
- safe journeys;
- confidence ;
- comfortability;
- sex;
- the post-sex sleep.

23 June 2011

Day 30

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- love;
- family;
- friends;
- food, even when I'm stuffed;
- one day til Friday;
- snuggles;
- Boyfriend;
- happiness.

22 June 2011

Day 29

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- friends;
- delicious food;
- a relationship that just works;
- love;
- family;
- having Richie Mathieu as a friend!;
- Boyfriend;
- naps.

21 June 2011

Day 28

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- exercise;
- fitness;
- endurance;
- family;
- camaraderie;
- physical movement;
- the sweat after running;
- sex;
- physical pleasure;
- connection;
- love.

20 June 2011

Day 27

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- being able to afford things;
- new dresses;
- warm, breezy weather;
- food to nourish and satiate;
- the taste of food;
- love.

19 June 2011

Day 26

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- sunshine;
- warmth;
- family;
- my Dad;
- safe travels;
- Italian wine!;
- food;
- dresses in sunny weather;
- living near a beach;
- afternoons with Mom;
- sun-warmed naps.

18 June 2011

Day 25

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- being brave;
- new friends turning into better friends;
- train rides;
- technology;
- learning to ride bikes!!!!!;
- not being alone;
- British food stores;
- Strongbow, even if it's from a can;
- happiness!

17 June 2011

Day 24

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- Fridays!;
- birthday cakes;
- birthday lunches, a week late;
- avocados;
- friends.

16 June 2011

Day 23

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- running;
- the clarity of mind during and after a run;
- the physical ability to run;
- better endurance;
- sleep.

15 June 2011

Day 22

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- Hump Day!;
- easy work days;
- love.

14 June 2011

Day 21

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- exercise;
- being fit!;
- the physical ability to move;
- running at faster speeds;
- sweating the day out;
- love.

13 June 2011

Day 20

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- road trips!;
- state parks;
- things that leave me breathless;
- feeling small within nature;
- waterfalls;
- art stores;
- sun prints!;
- friends;
- Boyfriend;
- little villages;
- friendly people;
- more endurance than what I've had before;
- falling asleep in cars;
- how my brain makes my muscles move the way they're supposed to;
- sleep.

12 June 2011

Day 19

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- running;
- kindness of strangers;
- the man who changed my tire;
- having the means to purchase new tires;
- the man who was working at Pep Boys who kept checking in with me;
- random street fairs;
- naps.

11 June 2011

Day 18

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- unexpected trips;
- aquariums;
- visiting Rhode Island!;
- good food;
- bookstores.

10 June 2011

Day 17

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- BIRTHDAYS!;
- another year behind me;
- another year ahead of me;
- weddings;
- really good bands at those weddings;
- dancing;
- getting sweaty and out of breath from dancing and singing too hard;
- nights away;
- Boyfriend.

09 June 2011

Day 16

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- days off;
- visiting old workplaces;
- welcomes;
- sunshine.

08 June 2011

Day 15

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- three-day work weeks;
- sunshine;
- air conditioning to keep me cool;
- happiness;
- health;
- family;
- love.

07 June 2011

Day 14

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- family;
- kindness;
- friends;
- my birth mother;
- the fact that she gave me up;
- another year I've survived;
- Boyfriend;
- love.

06 June 2011

Day 13

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- love;
- health;
- dinner with my brother;
- nuzzling;
- affection;
- Boyfriend;
- listening to him sleep;
- happiness.

05 June 2011

Day 12

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- time with friends;
- time with Mama and Sean Green;
- talking about KG without getting sad;
- all of the ways that she still says hello;
- looking to the future;
- a cold beer on a summer afternoon;
- love;
- Boyfriend;
- three-day work weeks about to come!

04 June 2011

Day 11

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- running races;
- the heat of sunshine;
- rekindling my love for my backyard;
- unexpected rose bushes;
- their aromatic perfume on a breeze;
- showers;
- adventures;
- new running shoes;
- bookstores;
- freedom on weekends;
- Boyfriend;
- playing with puppies and kittens;
- puppy breath!;
- food;
- the luxury of technology;
- sleep.

03 June 2011

Day 10

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- old friends;
- new dresses;
- chilly breezes as the sun sets;
- loving, encouraging words when i start to get out of control;
- sleep!

02 June 2011

Day 9

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- sunshine;
- homeostasis;
- sweating when I work my muscles harder;
- the ability to run;
- gym memberships;
- the post-workout ache;
- aching abs and butt the day after;
- Boyfriend feeling a little better;
- a car to get around;
- regenerative sleep;
- waking up with him.

01 June 2011

Day 8

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- Hump Day!;
- four-day work weeks;
- reuniting with old friends;
- Guinness on tap;
- garlic bread;
- food to fill an empty stomach;
- a healthy, fulfilling relationship;
- love;
- sleep when it's needed.

31 May 2011

Day 7

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- showers;
- long runs in parks and sunshine;
- better endurance and stamina;
- familiarity;
- comfort in previously alien places;
- small acts of kindness from unexpected people;
- water;
- long, hot showers to wash away the day.

30 May 2011

Day 6

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- holidays;
- not having to work on those holidays;
- old friends;
- tight hugs;
- baked confections;
- Jeopardy with mom;
- sleep to regenerate energy;
- cooled air to make sleeping possible.

29 May 2011

Day 5

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- street fairs;
- drives out east;
- sunshine;
- cold lemonade when it's hot outside;
- bookstores;
- chicken tacos and food to fill bellies;
- water;
- love.

28 May 2011

Day 4

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- moisture-wicking fabric;
- taking silly, random trips for nothing in particular;
- birthday buddies;
- free drinks;
- coming home.

27 May 2011

Day 3

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- Fridays;
- the kindness of co-workers;
- beautiful weather;
- getting out of work early, even if only by 30 minutes;
- the monetary ability to buy clothing;
- sales on said clothing;
- fitting into smaller sizes;
- a bed in which to sleep.

Day 2

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- luxury things like air conditioning to make an otherwise stifling office bearable;
- the way I feel after running;
- gym memberships;
- love;
- the physical and mental ability to run, to exercise, to move;
- getting stronger and building endurance;
- allowing vulnerability for beautiful things;
- food to nourish;
- clean, drinkable water to fill up my body and rejuvenate me;
- clean water with which to wash away the grime;
- Boyfriend;
- falling asleep and waking up next to him.

25 May 2011

Day 1

Today, I am grateful for:
- life;
- warmer weather;
- dresses and skirts and how they make me feel;
- hair long enough to braid;
- sunshine;
- sitting in parks for lunch;
- sunlight through leaves and branches;
- love;
- uncertain futures.


ETA:
- eating disgustingly bad-for-you food with awesomely good-for-you friends.